What do you do when will-power, setting goals, and milestones do not work to create a new habit or break an old one? Year after year, we set goals. Then, with a usual laundry list of reasons and excuses, we don’t achieve them. You might have some of your stubborn goals that you are struggling with. I know I have struggled with some of my own.
The reason we don’t achieve these goals is not due to clarity of the goal, or because our “WHY” is not strong enough. By “Why” I mean a strong reason why we should be changing the habit or creating a new one. If you are not familiar with the “WHY” concept, I would highly recommend reading the book ‘Start with Why’ by Simon Sinek. In this book Simon talks about the golden circle: what, how, and why. We almost always start with the sequence What (What do we want to do) -> How (How should we be achieving the goals)-> WHY (Why should be doing it). However, Simon talks about reversing the order and start with the “WHY” first. WHY is the core needed before getting in to How and What. Successful companies like Apple have applied this principle to their business.
What did not work
So why do setting goals and having a strong “why” sometimes does not work? In my experience it is because we don’t want to feel the pain that comes with change.
Sigmund Freud has talked about the pain vs pleasure principle, in its simplest form the principal states that we make all of our decisions to either gain pleasure or to avoid pain.
So much of the work today is focused on positive thinking, positive affirmation, and feel good rewards. I do believe that positive thinking and law of attraction are great method for achieving goals.
However, this blog is focused on how to leverage the pain side of the principal to make the change. You may have noticed that an emotional or painful incident in your past caused you to make a massive shift in your behavior and/or belief system. This is why Freud talk about the twin pain-pleasure principal. We need to use both to make the change. The intent is not relive those painful memories but instead create the similar emotional pain in order to make the change
What worked
I am going to use pain part of this principle to introduce the accountability tax. Since, we put so much effort into avoiding pain we will psychologically do the same to avoid the accountability tax.
Most people avoid the monetary pain, and are not willing to part from their hard-earned money. They may be more likely to finish a task, form a habit, or make a difficult decision if they know that failure to do so will result in a loss of money. This is what I call the accountability tax.
I suggest that you pick a charity or cause that you normally don’t support. Decide on an amount between $100- $1000 that you will donate to charity, should you fail to complete your task. Pick a larger amount in order to have more significant pain. Now take a look at your goals and milestones, and set the accountability tax on the milestone you need to reach. It is important to set an accountability tax on milestones and compound it if you continue to miss the milestones towards your goal. You can create other forms of this, but donating to charity means that even if you fail, some good will be put out into the world.
What to watch out for
Once you set the accountability tax, the mind will start to find ways to avoid it. We have certain stress triggers or pain triggers that can stop progress. Triggers are external events or circumstances that may produce very uncomfortable emotional such as negative self talk, anxiety or panic. Reacting to triggers is normal, but if we do need to recognize and respond to them otherwise they may actually cause a downward spiral. These triggers live in our subconscious and can automatically take over without us knowing. Typically, these triggers were developed through an emotional experience.
It is almost impossible to fight the triggers with willpower. You might be able to do that for a short period of time, but I’ve found that it is best to not to fight them. Instead, we should integrate them, either by breathing exercises or moving your body.
You will know when the triggers happen, you will feel it in your body either behind your neck/shoulder or stomach. If you don’t feel it physically, then more work needs to be done. I highly recommend reading the book ‘Triggers’ by Marshall Goldsmith.
My formula for managing triggers is first to just stop when a trigger occurs. Observe it, start to move the body and take 10 deep breaths. During that time, keep asking what the cause of the trigger is, and how is it helping you?
In conclusion: set goals, milestones, have a strong “why’s”, watch for triggers and have accountability tax to break the stubborn habits. This four-prong strategy works in unison for success.
Reference
Marshall Goldsmith, Triggers: https://www.marshallgoldsmith.com/product/triggers-creating-behavior-that-lasts-becoming-the-person-you-want-to-be
Simon Sinek, start with why: https://simonsinek.com/product/start-with-why/
Freud’s theory of personality: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-the-pleasure-principle-2795472
